So the last few days have been quite confusing for me. It’s hard to explain what I'm feeling inside, as well it should be. I believe that emotions are something that go beyond being expressed though words. I will try my best to let you in on what’s going on though. For the last little bit it’s kind of dawned on me that I really don’t know what I want to do in life. Seems like everything I’m currently doing just keeps getting harder. I don’t know if it’s the actual things I'm doing are getting harder, or if it’s just that I'm getting older and everything is beginning to factor itself into my life… School is something I really never wanted to do from the start, and the only reason I went is to satisfy someone else –seems like I'm always doing things just to please other people. Although it isn’t a difficult thing to do, it can become a bit of a burden. I’m always having to spend all my free time sitting in a class learning things I already know. Some of the classes are actually teaching me things, but it’s all I can do to study and make sure I understand it. The more I study the computer field the more it makes me wonder if it’s worth keeping up. I’ve often considered trying to go into some type of law enforcement –mainly because most of my family has done it and I've always had an infatuation for it.
Now that I've got that little rant out of the way I also want to take a minute to talk about employment. Well, as we all know, the current economy isn’t the best place to be looking for a job, however if I don’t find one soon I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m always used to making money for myself and earning a living, and now that my previous employer screwed me over –because some people with too much authority get jealous too easily- I have nothing solid to fall back on. Sure, I love working for the school systems, but with all the cuts they have had to make, I can’ make enough there to even pay for the gas it takes for the drive to all the schools. I really want to find another job, but then again, it’s not like you can just jump in and get a job you will like right off the bat. I’m willing to try different things, but then again, anything I do has to comply with my current school schedule. Even though that isn’t a large factor, I still have to deal with getting up early, working, obtain an education, and somehow still try and maintain friends, music and my own computer business? Some people say I have my ambitions set too high, but all I want to do is get done what I’ve said I would. Sometimes I find myself promising things that I believe I will never be able to find the time for. The world seems to be moving too fast for me to keep up and still do my duties I have set for myself. I don’t know what to do anymore… I guess I will just keep living life day by day until something falls into my lap? I’m so exhausted all the time anymore from trying to manage so many things at once…
That is all,
Shawn
